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I posted this originally on facebook but some people have asked me what's going on with my foot now. sooo...

To recap. Since February i have been dealing with my left foot. I had dislocated my navicular bone. This required surgery (feb 28th) and so i had that done the dr put a plate and screws in to hold it all in place. A few weeks later the dr took x-rays and said that one of the screws was backing out.So back into surgery i go that was in May, A few days later i went to the dr and pointed out a lump on my foot. It hurt to the touch and looked swollen. The dr said it wasn't anything to worry about.
He took x-rays and said it was the screw coming back out again and rubbing on things which was irritating the foot. On the 5th of july the dr went back in to remove the hardware. I stayed in the hospital a few days and was kinda worried because my foot was bleeding. That hadn't happened at any other surgery so i thought it was pretty odd. But the dr came saw me, bandaged it back up and said it was fine.
A week or so later, i was using the walker and kept overbalancing. Fell several times. I ended up going into my brothers room and sleeping on his bed. I was cold. soo cold. When he finally took my temperature it was high. So he took me to the hospital.
The wound was infected. Badly. One doc told me i was a few days from dying it was that bad. Into surgery i went again, where they cleaned it out and put a vacuum pump on my foot, that helped to pull out the infection and heal the wound. I spent time in the hospital for that. My kidneys had issues for a bit with the antibiotics but they got that cleared up.
When i finally was allowed to go home. I had to see 2 new doctors. One from infectious Disease to manage the infection with antibiotics.And a wound doctor who managed the wound. Cleaning the edges and watching it heal. Even pulling out a bit of sponge from my foot that was healing into the wound. The lump on my foot was bigger and went around behind my ankle to the other side. so i pointed it out to all of them. Infectious Disease ordered an Mri of my foot to see what was going on.
When i went to get the results the doctor (podiatrist) hadn't even looked at the mri and told me it didn't matter because it wasn't something bad. I went to Infectious Disease where the dr explained that the lump was infection/fluid and bone fragments. He said the only way to deal with it was an amputation. 0.0 I cried. I got angry. I went and got a second opinion. At this time i went to wound care and because of the diagnosis the last time i went he just looked at the wound, bandaged it up and patted my leg and said there was nothing that could be done.
So October 5th i went to see the new doc. He ordered a cat scan, vascular test, and ultrasound of my foot, on Wednesday i learned what the lump was, and what happened.
The lump is infection and fluid. There's a few pockets in my foot besides just there. The bad news is the infection is in my bones and has been eating away at them. The doc said i could keep my foot but be on antibiotics for the rest of my life, (which eventually my foot would break up and i'd lose it anyway, or the infection could overpower the antibiotics and i'd still loose my foot and possibly my life.
Or they could amputate below the knee.
I had no choice, not really, not if i want to get better.
I chose to have my foot amputated.
That happens on the 25th.One last surgery in the saga of my foot.
I've been crying, i am mad at the doctor who ignored the lump and by doing that let the infection get into my bones. He could have saved it.
so yeah.. the foot saga will be over, and then it will be healing, rehab, prosthetic. and i absolutely hate this.
Since I render when i update a product i always keep the renders, I decided a few months ago to go ahead and share those renders. At least the Iray updates
So if you see a lot of renders from me you know what i am doing lol

Just finished the 3Delight and Iray versions of the 1936 AM Sedan www.daz3d.com/1936-am-sedan
The textures were a bit hard but i did finally figure it out. So this is going to be the newest conversion.

Devious Journal Entry

Sun Feb 22, 2015, 8:23 AM by JGreenlees:iconjgreenlees:


This is too true.

I share it because when i was in school, i am glad there wasn't social media, or the internet. I was the victim of bullying. And had there been social media i probably would have ended up killing myself. It's not that i didn't try. I did. But I probably would have succeeded.

The torment was relentless, but i could escape from it when i was at home. I could forget for a few that i was hated, unwanted, no friends. I could recoup. To build my courage for another day. Weekends were time to build up my strength even more, but if there had been the internet, and i was plugged into it, and being bullied online as well as at school. I would have died. I would have killed myself.

The bullying was bad, but at least i had some respite from it. Kids today don't.
That's my saving grace. I could get away from it for a few hours, days..at times

 © CSS JMTH/poserfan

My Tutorials

Journal Entry: Tue Jan 27, 2015, 7:39 AM
I am not the absolute authority on any program but when i learn something i try to do a tutorial on it. You can find my tutorials at www.youtube.com/user/JGreenlee…
Mostly DAZ Studio tutorials, a poser one, and some for Hexagon (and yes i know about the horrid clicks on those my only excuse is that at the time they were created people had clicks in their videos so i thought it was right lol i do plan to rerecord those videos without the stupid clicks.)
if you want to know something just ask and if i know how i will do a tutorial on it :)
Jen

Another new Year

Journal Entry: Sun Jan 4, 2015, 4:03 PM


So its the new year and of course everyone is making resolutions. I, however, am not. I learned a few years ago that by making them i was actually already failing at them. So I stopped making them.

I do plan on stopping smoking this year, hopefully going to a doctor on my back and general health. Spend more time with my daughter, write more and do more art,  and just general stuff. That's my plan anyway. Lets see if i can actually do it.

Another poem from the turmoil my life was at age 16

Laddie
copyright 1987 -2014

In December a dream almost
died,
the dream got lost in sorrow and
self-pity.
Today several dreams have died
already,
and many have almost
died,
or thought of
dying.
O ye poor 'n gentle
person,
do you know how they almost
died?
Those dreams are the same as
yours.
O ye selfless and poor
laddie,
young, too young, ye have
been.
Do not out yerself
yet.
Cuz ye haven't dreamed enough
dreams.
Ye are special, Laddie
Ye have special dreams, Laddie,
Dreams to come true.
God did not put us on this earth to die so
young.
Laddie, a dream almost
died.
On a warm day in a cold month
I tried to die.
Laddie, I have ears and I use them.
Talk to me cuz I understand.
I wrote this to my mother about the same time as I wrote Outcast. My Mother believed I was wanting attention rather than making a desperate cry for help, or that i really and truly wanted to be gone from this world.  I did read it to her and she just looked at the therapist we were with and said something along the lines of "See, she's just wanting attention.. " I gave up trying to get her to listen to my words and feelings because they never were heard.

She loved to tell people how  i craved attention because when she was pregnant with me she'd rub an area on her stomach and i would move to it.. (Somehow i think every baby does that but...) I tried many times to tell her i DIDN'T Want attention, i really would have been happier being locked in some deep dark cave never coming out. I had too much of the kids attention at school that i hated and wanted away from.. but.. hey.. i craved the attention all because of when she rubbed her tummy when pregnant i would move to it.. *Sigh*

Mother, Listen
1987-2014 J.Greenlees

Mother, listen
how can I say this
I still hate life
I feel
as if I can't
go on.
I feel
as if
I live your life.
What did you
do that you want me
to correct?
I can't live your life
over again.
This is a
new time, a new place,
a new generation.
It's not
your time,
your place,
your generation.
You hit me this afternoon,
and your words hit me always,
hard as a stone fist.
I am not you
and I have no desire to be you.
I like to learn but I can't live up
to your grade average standard.
If you want someone to go to college or
depend on to finish
school, depend on Bryan.
He can do it, I can't.
Maybe I am wrong so
shove the pills down my throat
and watch me die for
I can't and won't
live up to your
standards for I don't
believe in them.
Then you preach
of what I've done
how I feel and
whom I've become
you say all i do is try
to hurt you but what I've
done I've done to myself.
I didn't make you lose the house,
cause you to get an ulcer or anything
else you've claim I've done
So I refer you back to "Refugee"
to Stanza 2
'I am a refugee from a mind,
a mind i know all too well
for I live in this mind 24 hours a day
and it drags me down deeper.'
so mother, for once, listen


I guess that's more of a rant than a poem but it does show my anger and pain at the time. I was bullied relentlessly in school and the bullying was escalating. over the month before i wrote this i was shoved to the ground almost daily. I was hit by kids at school, i began to hide when i was at school and finally just ended up taking the bus to school and walking home immediately .. my mother got a call from the school the day I wrote this, telling her i skipped.

She came barreling in the front door like a raging storm full of fury and indignation. We argued and i threw a bag of pills that i was saving to try once again to rid myself of this world, or more rid the world of me since i believed it didn't want me here.  That somehow I was to blame for what the kids did to me, called me. I gave in and headed towards the door so she could drive me back to school when she pinned me on a chair by the entryway and started wailing on me, all fists, fury, and raking her nails along my skin.  Her face red, anger pouring off her in waves. Telling me what i was going to do, who i was going to be, and by god if i didn't shape up she was going to kill me herself..

She dragged me back to school, i had a black eye, scratches along my arms from her talon like nails. and all the school did was get a therapist to try to find out why i so hated school. I wrote the above waiting for that therapist who did nothing more than tell my mother that she was right..

Mom never apologized to me, though i had to apologize for years to her for making her so angry that day..
Disclaimer - this was written march 3, 1987 I was about 16 at the time. This doesn't reflect my feelings today, but what i felt back then. this is one poem i believe I will always remember from my writing back then

Outcast.
copyright 1987-2014 J.Greenlees


I see the people you mentioned,
they are pushing me away.
I see their feelings clearly
and them saying "get away."
They have declared me an Outcast,
so here I am and there they are.
What did I do wrong?
They have never been kind,
and now they're worse.
Always pushing me away.
I feel like an Indian,
and the white men are putting up
a reservation, only for me
to always keep me here.
There is an imaginary lock on the door
and it keeps me in.
They have placed it there.
Now I am ashamed to
leave this reservation.
When all the white men have left.
I'll take my knife
position it right,
and plunge it against
the bone of my cage.
I break it open,
and I soon die.

           Freedom for an Outcast.


i had been in school therapy sessions and the therapist told me to write my feelings and told me i could write poetry anyway i wanted. so i took to writing out my feelings this way.. no one ever saw the pain in my face.. they believed i was fine, even after i shared this poem with them.. I was suicidal at 16 and tried to kill myself 4 times. I was bullied relentlessly through school. And it's made me extremely anti-social. Not dangerously just that i would rather be at home with my family than try to deal with the social responsibilities that come with having a friend or two.
I am 40 odd years old and a lot of my life has stuff i need to heal from. I was for many years angry with the kids i went to school with, angry with the teachers, the principal, the parents. I learned to forgive... I am mad at my mother for her treatment of me and my brother and my daughter, angry with her for not taking care of herself, and for dying to young.

I have been angry at so many things that i couldn't control.. and with that anger i have held it tight to my chest, saying it didn't matter, but it did. it weighed on me. It became something that defined who i am. not so much now.

When i was young i wanted to be a writer so my words would cut like the proverbial knife to those who hurt me with theirs. When i got older i wanted to be a poet but the words i wrote only screamed my own pain and fell on deaf ears.  I got older and wanted to be an artist, who's images would show the pain of a child who later became an adult who can't handle stress, confrontations or unsure situations.

I can write but i rarely have time, my poems are locked in notebooks the pain hidden in pages that are browning with age. My art same as writing, i don't have time.. my work has become my joy and i am a work-a-holic because i enjoy it and use that as an excuse. I use my work to delay the healing. But i enjoy seeing the creativity of those I work with, the joy they have, and the determination...

but after spending time talking with my grandmother i realized i still have things to heal from. So i will take time in the next few weeks to post my poems from when i was 16.. to let the pain flow out of them by admitting that at that time i was a messed up, hurting kid who had no where to turn. The are dark.. but not the emotions I have today, but by admitting i wrote them, showing them the light of day for the first time in 3 decades maybe the residual pain that i have from them, from situations that no longer matter may shed that pain and allow me the final bit of healing.
Some people weren't happy with the old recordings I did for my tutorials for hexagon. I have to admit the mouseclicks and sound was annoying my only defense is I had a bad mic and thought the mouseclicks were uber!.. well i spent today redoing some of them and they are now available on You tube, and HD too :)

I don't use Hex much any more. Trying to learn a new program and learning more and more in DAZ Studio.  I hope to do some tutorials for Studio when I get a chance.

The Platinum Club anniversary is coming up and I am going to be super busy but once I get past that I will start doing the video tutorials for Studio. I am really having fun doing poses and making shaders but am learning modeling and hoping to get one done soon.

Stay tuned LOL

Part 1 - www.youtube.com/watch?v=D8_bvz…
Part 2 - www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wh_qi2…

May 17, 2013

Journal Entry: Fri May 17, 2013, 4:21 PM
Been really busy, mostly working but also creating my own products.

If i favorite your art but don't say anything please understand I am busy but I like either the concept or the image itself. If you favorite my art and i don't thank you please understand I DO thank you very much but haven't had the time to go thank you properly.

I am hoping to post more to DA as i get the chance but that's when i get the chance.

Jen

I know I know i haven't updated a thing here, not because I don't want to but because I've been busy. Mostly creating my own products, or testing. I am working on a few images just don't have them done yet. Sooner or later I'll get it :)

Anyway I've seen a lot of great artists here, and love looking at the work that's done. I wish mine was just as great.

J